


How To Get Your Idiot Friends Together: A Four Step Process by Scott McCall

by reptilianraven



Series: A Guide To Idiocy [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Matchmaker Scott, POV Outsider, another title could be Scott McCall's Adventures In Passionate Frustration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2014-04-12
Packaged: 2018-01-19 02:21:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1451941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reptilianraven/pseuds/reptilianraven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He laughs at your jokes, man. How blind can you be?"</p><p>Stiles makes this face like he ate a lemon or something. "Are we talking about the same guy here? Because Derek Hale has never once laughed at my jokes."</p><p>"No, he does the thing where he exhales quickly through his nose. Like when you see something funny on the internet." Scott says and <i>oh my god</i>. "Stiles he thinks you're funny like how things on the internet are funny. I don't get why I have to explain this to you!"</p><p>-</p><p>In which Scott plays matchmaker because he'd probably go insane if these two idiots can't get their fucking act together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Get Your Idiot Friends Together: A Four Step Process by Scott McCall

**Author's Note:**

> this is me channeling all my sterek frustrations into scott mccall aka one of the lone rays of sunshine left in this world
> 
> set after 3b but lets pretend nobody died or came back to life. lets pretend.

There are some people who think that Scott is oblivious.

They are dead wrong.

He notices things just as much as other people notice things. Hell, he’s confident enough to say that after years of friendship, he has the ability to notice things as much as Stiles does. The difference with him and Stiles is that when Stiles notices things he thinks about them immediately and constantly.

Scott has a system.

He organizes information into three categories. Important, Not Important, and Important But I Really Don’t Want To Think About It. He is an absolute expert at thinking about certain things and completely ignoring others when the time calls for it.

So _of course_ he noticed Stiles and Derek practically eye-fucking each other every time they were in the same room because it was kind of hard not to.

This was one example of something under the Important But I Really Don’t Want To Think About It category. Reasons why it was there range from the fact that there were more significant things happening, like Gerard and kanimas, all the way to the simple truth that this was his best friend and Derek Hale. And no. Just. No.

But that’s passed.

It’s actually a bit okay now.

After the nogitsune, everybody had been waiting for something else to come, for another evil villain to rise from the shadows and claim world domination and eternal death and suffering or something like that. 

A month passed. Then another. Then three months later it’s still quiet.

Nobody says anything but they’ve allowed themselves to relax because nothing is currently out to kill anybody.

Things are getting better. It's not _fantastic_ but it's a whole lot better.

After everything, the twins left. They said something about finding another pack, one they didn’t help damage. It was revealed that Danny apparently knew about everything and just had some very good self preservation skills. Scott isn’t going to bring Danny into any of this, unless he asks of course.

Chris took Allison and Isaac to France for a week and when they came back, Isaac would smile at Allison in ways that would make Scott really happy. 

Kira’s been talking to her mom about kitsune stuff, Lydia’s been talking to Deaton about banshee stuff, and Malia’s been talking to him about werecoyote stuff. They all train together, finding out more and more of each other’s abilities. Scott likes to call them the Supernatural Girl Triumvirate, it’s like the Power Puff Girls but more violent. 

Stiles is—

Well.

It’s still hard to say.

Now, it’s like none of it ever happened. He’s smiling and laughing and quipping with Isaac again but sometimes he still zones out and gets this sad look in his eyes that makes Scott want to hug all the bad out of him. Stiles still keeps books under his pillow or in his bag just to check if he can still read. Scott still gets phone calls in the middle of the night from Stiles, where Stiles just asks him to talk about anything. 

The first few weeks after were pretty hard. There was a lot of father-son hugging and best friend hugging and group hugging. There was a lot of hugging. And a lot of talking because Scott wouldn’t let Stiles go through any of this alone. 

Then there’s Derek.

Derek was probably the weirdest of them all. But not the bad weird. A good weird. The best kind of weird ever. 

He’s actually started communicating with everybody else, and not in huffed single syllable replies, but actual sentences. He and Chris have this bizarre bro relationship centered around smoldering and eyebrows. He helps with training Kira, Malia, and Lydia, telling them all he can remember from what his mom used to tell him about supernatural beings like them. He helps Scott with his new Alpha abilities. _He bought furniture for his loft._

He’s come a long way from staring angrily at a distance.

It’s really nice.

There’s nothing to run from anymore.

That’s when it all comes back.

They’re at Derek’s loft, it’s a bit dark save for some sunlight coming through the windows because Derek switched off the generator, and Kira sits next to Scott making really cute concentrated faces as she tries to get the place running with electricity anyways.

“Kira, you’ve got six minutes till Masterchef starts. No pressure.” Isaac says from where he’s idly watching Malia, Lydia, and Allison do yoga. They do yoga now. It doesn’t even have anything to do with supernatural training. They’ve just found out that they enjoy yoga.

“That’s the exact opposite of no pressure you nerd,” Stiles says looking up from his book which he is essentially coloring with his highlighter. 

“I’m not the one wearing a headlamp. Nerd.” Is Isaac’s spectacular rebuttal. Stiles narrows his eyes and adjusts his headlamp. The heights to which Stiles will go to just to study are astounding. Stiles’ grades didn’t even drop so much as inch down to average during the possession but he’s still working to bring them back up.

“Guysshutup!” Kira says in one breath, shoulders tensing.

Derek glances at her worryingly. “Kira, you don’t have to do this.”

“NoshutupIcandothis.” She shuts her eyes and her face puffs up a bit. It’s adorable. He’s probably got a dumb smile on his face right now.

“Four minutes.” Isaac says as Stiles encourages her with a “You go girl.”

Derek rolls his eyes and looks at each of them fondly, ending with Stiles. Then his look changes. It’s a subtle change. It went from fond to something more intense, like want, like—

The lights flash to life and _oh my god_.

Everybody lets out a cheer, Kira hugs him, shocking him with static, and all he can think of is how this information has now shifted from Important But I Really Don’t Want To Think About It to Important.

Derek congratulates Kira and when Derek isn’t looking, Stiles looks at him with the same look Derek was looking at him with just seconds ago.

Oh my god.

Definitely Important.

\---

“Derek. Stiles. Relationship. Thoughts?” Is what he opens with at lunch the next day.

Lydia raises an eyebrow before saying, “They get on each other’s nerves but in a way that makes the both of them better and ridiculously compatible. They’d be good for each other if they actually talked about emotions instead of giving _eyes of longing_ to each other.”

“Ugh, I know right.”

“Why? What’s going on?” Malia says as she sits down. “What are we talking about?”

“What are your thoughts on Stiles and Derek?” Lydia asks.

Malia tilts her head to the side, her coyote mannerisms still apparent. “Uh, they’re both attractive?” She says. “I made out with Stiles once, it was really great. But I’m pretty sure he was under the influence of various drugs, stress, and an evil Japanese spirit.”

“You made out with Stiles?” Scott gapes. “He never told me that.”

“Discuss Stiles’ blatant disregard for the bro code later, Scott.” Lydia waves a hand at him. “I meant Stiles and Derek together.”

“Is this a training exercise?” She says and Lydia shrugs. “Well, they look at each other a lot, now that I think about it. And the both of them smell a bit sad but content, and also like they’re holding something back, and they only smell like that when they’re in a room together.” She tells them. “How’d I do?”

“Accurate.” Lydia says as Scott groans, “They wanna bone each other and I totally forgot.”

Malia wrinkles her nose, “Is that what that is?”

“Scott, why the sudden interest?” Lydia asks.

“This is nothing new, like they’ve been like that since _Jackson_ , god.” He says. “Except back then it was more of _I wanna climb you like a tree_ and now it’s _I wanna make you breakfast and hold your hand_. They should date. They’d be really happy.”

“Well, if you’re volunteering to try and get the two biggest idiots in the country realize the most obvious thing in the world then be my guest.” She rolls her eyes. “Put the rest of us out of our misery. It’s nauseating.”

“What’s nauseating?” Stiles asks as he slides next to Scott.

“You are apparently.” Malia tells him and Scott lets his head drop to the table. 

\---

Scott knows Stiles more than anybody else does. They shared crayons together. They fell off bikes together. They looked for a dead body in the woods together. He _knows_ Stiles.

He knows that Stiles hates it when other people try to take control of his life or tell him what to do. Scott gets that, but this means that he’s going to have to _strategize_. He can’t just go up and say “You and Derek should date,” because that’s not going to get him anywhere. He’s gotta be subtle. He has to make sure that they figure it out themselves.

But Scott has yet to see if they’re even aware of their own emotions. He isn’t sure about Derek, but Stiles is like that sometimes, he has all the information but it takes a little push for him to draw a conclusion.

Alright. He’s got a plan.

Step 1: Make Stiles aware of his emotions.

“Are you aware that you give Derek Hale bedroom eyes?”

Stiles starts choking on his cereal. Okay. Some revision has to happen.

Step 1.5: Make sure that Stiles doesn’t die choking on his cereal.

Scott soothingly pats Stiles’ back as he coughs and sputters. When he recovers, he looks at Scott like he’s grown a third head as he puts his bowl down onto the kitchen counter.

“I’m sorry I’m giving what now to Derek?”

“Bedroom. Eyes.” He says seriously. “Like you want to kiss him and bake him muffins.”

“That,” Stiles says. “Doesn’t make any sense. And even if it did, I do no such thing.”

“Yes you do. You look at him like how I look at Kira when she talks about cute cat videos then effortlessly changes the topic to monsters that eat fetuses straight from the womb.”

“Dude, I will never be able to compete with the amount of awe and amazement you channel through that look.” He tells him before shaking his head. “Seriously though, why are we talking about this? I look at Derek like how I look at other people. With my eyes. No bedrooms involved.”

“Man, deny it all you want, but it’s a thing that happens. Just thought you might want to know. Better it come from me than anybody else. That’d be awkward.”

“This is why you’re my best friend. Now come on,” He places his now empty bowl in the sink. “We’re going to be late for whatever we’re watching. What are we watching?”

“There’s one movie about a catastrophic virus that devastates the world. I was thinking we watch that one and cough the whole time,” Scott says.

“You’re so awesome.” Stiles smiles.

They watch the movie and get glares and paranoid glances afterwards. Stiles drops him off at Scott’s house and he has his thinking face on. Scott hopes he’s thinking of something Derek related and not about what he wants to have for dinner and—nope. Nevermind. That’s definitely his ‘thinking bout Derek’ face. 

Stiles drives away and Scott lets himself do a little victory jig. His mom is looking at him through the window. He grins enthusiastically.

Step 1: Make Stiles aware of his emotions.

Complete.

Well he hopes it’s complete.

The least he’ll take is at least Stiles being confused with his emotions. He’ll take confused. Confusion eventually leads to awareness. Eventually. 

Stiles is smart he’ll figure it out.

He digs his phone out of his pocket and initiates Step 2.

“Cora,” Scott greets when she picks up. “Is Derek aware of his emotions?”

“One second,” She says before laughing hysterically. No, really. She’s really laughing. “Oh my god, I’m sorry. Last time you called it was when you fawned over Derek’s new TV and the fact that he actually _got_ a TV. Now it’s his emotions. What’s going on now, Scott?”

“Derek and Stiles like each other but I’m not sure if Derek knows if he likes Stiles. Because that happens. Sometimes you do things and you don’t know you’re doing them even after sexy stares across the room are happening.”

“Derek likes Stiles?”

“Yeah. You didn’t notice?”

“Well, no, not really.” Cora says. “I didn’t see them together much. There were more pressing things happening then. I was unconscious for the most of it, like Stiles gave me CPR at one point, it’s really all a blur.”

“Why doesn’t Stiles tell me when he makes out with people!?” Scott says mostly to himself.

“CPR doesn’t count as making out.”

“Yeah, but next thing you know he’s kissed random girls at parties. Or Lydia.”

“Doesn’t Stiles like Lydia?”

“Not the way he used to.” He tells her. “It’s changed now that they’ve actually gotten to know each other. Lydia doesn’t ignore him and Stiles doesn’t put her up on a pedestal. Now they’re just scary friends. A month ago they got paired for a History project. It was terrifying.” He shudders at the memory. “No more dreamy sighs for Lydia. There are probably dreamy sighs for Derek though.”

“The more you say the more amazing this gets.” She says and he can hear her grin.

“Great. So back to the question. Do you think Derek would know if he likes somebody?”

“Yeah.” She decides after a second. “He would. Derek is actually really in tune with what he feels. The thing with him is that since he doesn’t like talking to people about stuff like that, he ends up thinking about it, so there isn’t any room to ignore anything. Well that’s how he _was_ , before, well, you know.” She hums. “It doesn’t look like he’s changed much though, so if he likes Stiles he sure as hell knows it.”

“Oh my god, then what the hell is taking him so long to make a move.” He groans. “Stiles isn’t really subtle either. 

“I have one word for you, Scott.”

“What?”

“Pining.”

“Holy crap, shut _up._ ” Holy crap he actually sounds like a normal obnoxious teenager. This is so weird. “Derek Hale is pining.”

“Yes. Yes he is.” She says. “But it’s acceptable, I mean have you seen his relationship history? Derek isn’t very good at this. Trust issues and bad character judgment and things like that. If he really likes Stiles, he probably doesn’t want to mess anything up, he doesn't want to mess _Stiles_ up.”

“Okay, I get that neither of them are poster children for healthy consciences but they’re good people who deserve nice things. They’d be nice things for each other!”

“That’s true. So what, you’re going to try and get them together?”

“Yeah. I just want both of them to be happier. They would make each other happy. And after everything that has happened, happy is sort of something they deserve.”

“You know what? You’re pretty alright, McCall.” She tells him and he beams. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

\---

Step 3: Make the both of them aware of the other’s emotions. 

Step 3 is more complicated. He could either go up to Stiles or Derek and say, point blank, “Stiles/Derek is totally in love with you,” or he could get them to interact as much as possible. The latter seems a whole lot safer but it’ll take more time. He’s going to need back up.

“You’ve really thought this through.” Allison tells him when he explains this to them at training the next day.

“It’s Important. With a capital ‘I’.” He says.

“A few months ago I wouldn’t have liked this because Derek was just so _Derek_ , but now? It’s weird how better he is. He and my dad have brunch every other weekend.”

“I’ve christened it as the ‘Gruff Men Brunch Time’.” Isaac says. “I’m waiting for Stiles’ dad to join in.”

“If they get together in a situation we put them in then we get exclusive bragging rights.” Lydia says.

“I want bragging rights.” Malia pipes in. “I’ve still got nothing on almost all of you.”

“The more help the merrier.” Scott tells them all. “Just remember to be subtle, alright?”

Needless to say, all hell breaks loose.

There are pack meetings at Derek’s loft where everybody quickly leaves early while Stiles is in the bathroom. The brakes on Stiles’ jeep mysteriously get weird, so there are lots of “Whoops sorry, Stiles! I can’t drive you but I called Derek!” There are frighteningly worrying and intricately planned not-so-accidental meetings in the grocery store.

Scott doesn’t know if this is sweet or just plain creepy.

But—

_But—_

“But still nothing!” Kira screams. The lights flicker and there is a chorus of Mmhhmms in the room. “This is infuriating.” She says and Scott is really happy with how invested she is in this.

Isaac has sexiled him from his house. He’s happy for him and Allison but that doesn’t mean he wants to be anywhere near wherever they are when they’re doing _things_ because he does not need to hear that. Or think about that. So this is why he’s crashing Supernatural Girl Triumvirate sleepover night. 

“At least they’re closer now. They hang out and share meaningful glances at each other while maintaining eye contact.” He says as Malia adds a coat of clear glitter nail polish on his nails. Malia has an obsession with nail polish. It was one of the things she missed when she was a coyote.

“Then why haven’t either of them made a move yet?” Kira screeches into a pillow.

“There’s a possibility that the both of them are just scared.” Lydia says. “With what they’ve been through, they probably just don’t want to lose a friend by making things awkward.”

Kira makes a frustrated noise. “But they should know by now that it wouldn’t be awkward. If they would just open their eyes and see that the reciprocation is _there_.”

“Sometimes,” Malia says softly. “You get so caught up in enjoying somebody’s company that you forget to notice anything else, simply because nothing else matters when you’re with that certain someone.”

Everybody stops to stare at her.

“Malia, you were a coyote for like eight years,” Scott tells her. “That was some deep, John Green worthy stuff right there.”

“Who’s John Green?” She replies.

“Ugh, okay, if I think about Stiles and Derek for one more second I think I might just explode.” Kira says. “We’re going to marathon Tobey Maguire’s Spiderman. You can’t think coherent thoughts when watching that.”

\---

Scott isn’t a patient person but he can be one during desperate times.

But there is only so much he can take.

“Stiles,” He grabs Stiles’ shoulders and yells. “Derek wants to make out with your face!”

Stiles looks at him in horror. This is probably because Stiles asked him whether or not beige would look nice against grey. Or maybe because he yelled really loudly. And there are people around. Some people are staring. They are shopping for curtains for Derek’s loft. Scott could have probably done this better.

“Wow, I’m so sorry. That was something that could have gone way better.” He apologizes. “But seriously, I think I might die. Derek is so in love with you I want to barf.”

“Scott, my man. I am very confused.” Stiles says. 

“Don’t be confused. Be enlightened. Derek likes you.” 

“No he doesn’t.”

“Yes he does.” He runs his hands through his hair because this is exhausting. “He spends time with you and smiles at you and looks at you like you’re the world.”

“He does that with everybody. He’s a good person.”

“But he’s a better person when he’s with _you._ ” Scott says and tamps down the urge to scream. "He laughs at your jokes, man. How blind can you be?"

Stiles makes this face like he ate a lemon or something. "Are we talking about the same guy here? Because Derek Hale has never once laughed at my jokes."

"No, he does the thing where he exhales quickly through his nose. Like when you see something funny on the internet." Scott says and _oh my god_. "Stiles he thinks you're funny like how things on the internet are funny. I don't get why I have to explain this to you!"

“I don’t know what you’re on buddy but you’re seeing something that isn’t there.” Stiles sighs. “Derek doesn’t like me like that. He’s Derek. He’s tragic, heart of gold, Derek. While I’m just—”

“Amazing?” Scott finishes.

“Aww, thanks.” He grins. “You’re amazing too. But the point is that, I’m just me.”

“That’s okay, because he likes it when you’re just you.” 

Stiles rolls his eyes. “Okay, sure. What I need to know though is if he’d like beige curtains.”

“Can’t you just tell him?” Scott practically pleads.

“Dude, no. For two reasons. First,” He brings a finger up. “He doesn’t like me. Second, we’re friends and I really like what we have now so I’m not going to risk losing any of it to something as trivial as a little crush. Alright?”

“But you’d be happy together.”

“You know what would make me happy?” Stiles says. “If we got curtains. Now do you think beige is good? Or something more earthy?” 

Earthy. You know what else will be fucking earthy at this rate? Scott’s _grave_ because his best friend is going to be _the death of him._

\---

In the end, they actually see it happen.

It’s Supernatural Girl Triumvirate training time at Derek’s loft but they’ve all broken apart for a break. So Stiles and Derek spar on the yoga mat. Stiles took a self defense class the moment he was well enough and with how he’s filled out, he and Derek would be an equal match if Derek wasn’t a werewolf.

Stiles tackles Derek to the floor and they tumble to the ground, Derek rolling them over so that he’s on top. And they stop.

Stiles sits up, leaning back on his elbows, looking at Derek. The playful smiles they had on are gone as they stare at each other.

The weight in the air is heavy. Everybody stops whatever they were doing to look at them.

 _Is this it?_ Everybody’s probably thinking. _Will they figure it out? Will we actually witness this monumental moment in history play before our eyes?_

Stiles leans forward and Scott can hear everybody internally cheering because yes! Finally! Yes!

But Derek—

Derek _flinches_ backwards.

_Holy motherfucking shit what the fuck._

“Fuck,” Stiles says, his expression shifting from angry to confused to horrified. “I’m sorry, I’m going to go.” He quickly squirms out from under Derek and makes for the door. 

Derek wastes one second making a constipated face before running after him, and thank god because if he waited any longer Scott would have just dragged him outside, before sliding the door shut.

All of them crowd to the door, even if most of them don’t have to because werewolf, to listen in.

“Look,” That’s Stiles. “I’m sorry. That was stupid, I’m stupid.”

“What were you trying to do?” Derek asks like the confused puppy he is. Scott hears Lydia whisper a soft “Oh my god.”

“I was trying to kiss you? Was that not obvious?” Stiles says. “No, you know what. I messed up. I’ve made things awkward.”

“Why?”

“Why what? Why did I try to kiss you? Well, I really like you a lot and I think I got the wrong message because I thought you liked me too. Look, Derek, we don’t have to talk about this. We can just pretend this never happened, okay? Forget it.”

“I don’t want to forget it.” 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means I like you too.” Derek says and Scott fist pumps the air. Effective communication is so great.

Stiles’ heartbeat picks up. “Then why did you—”

“I-I panicked,” Derek stutters over his words. “And I thought that maybe you didn’t know what you were doing.”

“Of course I knew what I was doing, I was going to kiss you! But you backed away because you don’t like me like _that_.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth,” Derek snaps. “I like you. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again and again until you get that through your head.”

“Huh.” Stiles says. “So what? Was kissing you too forward? Because I’m really sorry. I just sort of figured—but never assume I guess—”

“Stiles.” Derek sighs but it’s the happy-fond type of sigh.

“I want to date you. Do you want to date me?”

“Yes.”

“That’s great. That’s so great. I won’t try to kiss you again I swear, like we can go slow, we can go _so_ slow. We can literally go as slow as a molasses soaked snail and I wouldn’t mind because I just like you a lot.” Stiles pauses. “Are you busy right now?”

“Uh, not really?”

“Then let’s go on a date. Now. I want waffles and there’s the place that just opened.” 

“Okay, yeah. Okay.” There are sounds of sneakers scuffing against the ground followed by silence.

When Stiles and Derek come back to the loft, they will come back to a chocolate cake he and Kira baked using the ingredients they found in Derek’s kitchen, with a message “Congrats on Step 4: Get together!!” crudely written on the top with icing, along with a few badly drawn icing penises courtesy of Isaac and Malia. Allison got hungry and took a slice of cake and most of the word “together!!” along with it. So when Stiles and Derek see the cake it’ll look more like “Congrats on Step 4: Get” with a penis right under it.

“Congrats on Step 4: Get Dick.” Allison had frowned. “Now it just looks like a ‘Have Sex’ cake.” 

“Well,” Lydia said. “It’s good enough.”

Yeah, Scott thought. It really is.

**Author's Note:**

> holla at me on my [tumblr](http://actualbird.tumblr.com/)


End file.
